Roomies
by Laetans
Summary: After Team Natsu finally destroys an entire town, Makarov gives them the ultimate team-building challenge: Erza, Natsu, Lucy, Gray, and Happy have to live together. Part 4: The Job I
1. Wieners

"M-My god, you…you really did it. All these years, people have joked, but…"

Master Makarov eyed the mountain of paperwork from the Council, which was predictably irate that Team Natsu had finally done it.

_They destroyed an entire town._

The only upside was that they couldn't be arrested for it, because it was the Council's fault. They were moving a prisoner who happened to escape into a town where something or another was hidden. Faced with a race against the clock and a powerful dark mage, they called in the most powerful mages in the immediate area, which happened to be Fairy Tail. Long story short, everyone except Erza was covered in bandages, the city had been decimated, and Marchello of the Abyss was successfully apprehended.

As for the city of Harlingen?

Due to the dangerous nature of the dark mage's powers, the city was evacuated. Something went _wrong_ though, and as far as Makarov could tell from the explanation, Natsu entered dragon force after eating the element of abyss and prepared to destroy the escapee when Gray put down ice floor. This caused Natsu to crash and in that state, bounce around as an out of control fireball that destroyed everything in his path.

He collided with Aquarius, who Lucy summoned from the fountain in the center of the city, and Aquarius ended up destroying City Hall with her powerful water attack, her waves crashing into Erza, who had broken out her Purgatory Armor. Her attack annihilated the half of the city that Natsu hadn't burned to a crisp.

When it was over, Happy surprised Marchello with a max speed attack and knocked him out, then flew the fugitive to Lahar and Doranbolt as they watched in horrified amazement as Team Natsu eliminated an entire town in a matter of five minutes.

Makarov shook his head and while he felt relieved that they couldn't be charged for the fiasco, he decided it was time to take action against the clumsy destruction and the catastrophic sense of 'teamwork' that Team Natsu believed in so strongly.

"Your punishment has already been decided," he said.

Expecting embarrassing photo spreads, a spell, or some other weird punishment, the group braced themselves. Instead the old man said, "You will all live in the same house until you can go three months without a complaint from the Council about excessive property destruction."

"Three months? I don't even…" Natsu mumbled in disbelief, as if he'd been sentence to execution. Then, he pointed at Lucy and Erza. "I can't live with them. _They're __**girls**_!" he exclaimed, the stress on that final word making it sound as if girls were, in fact, fire-breathing dragons.

No, it something even worse than that; he'd actually be pretty excited if they were dragons.

Unfortunately for him, they were not dragons and were, in fact, teenage girls who were a little less than amused at his utterance.

Makarov said, "Girls, are they? I never would have guessed! And to think all these years I've been wrong. My apologies, ladies."

Lucy pointed at Natsu and Happy. "I can't live with them! Haven't you ever seen their house? It's a trash dump! Disgusting!"

"We spend so much time helping you pay your rent that we never have time to clean," Happy answered, feigning hurt.

The blonde said, "No, you're both just pigs!"

"I'm obviously a cat. I don't want to live with you, either. You're real mean about sharing your bed with me and Natsu!"

"You shouldn't _be_ in my bed, Happy! Either of you, but especially him! Do you have any idea what kinds of rumors that's started?"

Natsu rolled his eyes. "Don't go reading too much into that, _Luigi_."

"Luigi! That again!"

Gray was next to register his complaints. "I _can't_ live with them. Lucy, maybe. But the others…I've seen Natsu's place. Natsu and Happy are slobs and if I have to share with Erza, I'll be concussed constantly. Home is where I go so I can get away from everyone and not have my habits judged."

Happy teasingly said, "You go there so you can walk around naked and not be beat up."

Erza bonked both of the boys on the head and silenced Lucy with a glare as she grabbed Happy by the tail. "We understand, Master. Letting that situation get so out of hand was a major failing. We'll get through this punishment period quickly and prove that we can work together without being so clumsy. Isn't that right?" she asked, her tone very clearly communicating the threat therein.

"Yes, Erza," Gray, Natsu, Lucy, and Happy obediently answered in unison.

The redhead asked, "Where will we be staying, Master?"

Makarov said, "Well, the boys certainly can't stay in the girls' dorm with you, Erza. Lucy's place is too small, as is Natsu and Happy's house…"

"No," Gray emphatically declared. "Not just no, but hell no. There's _no_ way. You can't. It's a fate worse than death."

Erza threw him to the ground. "I've always liked Gray's house."

"Gray has a house?" Lucy asked.

Natsu said, "Yeah, he and Loke used to live there together. He's a clean freak."

The ice mage fisted his hand and growled, "I'm not a 'clean freak!' I just don't live like a pig!"

Happy raised his fist angrily. "I'm a cat already!"

"You don't understand metaphors Happy!" Lucy yelled back.

"It's because I'm a cat!"

"Or logic, for that matter!" the celestial spirit mage added.

Erza's glare silenced them all again. "Don't complain about the punishment. Our clumsiness caused an enormous amount of destruction. We're fortunate the city we destroyed was evacuated and that we won't be punished as criminals. All things considered, we're getting off very easy."

XXX

Everyone went home to pack and as Lucy tucked her clothes away in a bag, she sighed and tried to imagine how awful it would actually be to live with the rest of her team. She could see rooming with Erza, because Erza was actually a very nice person under normal conditions, and she could even stand to live with Gray or Natsu and Happy.

Any two of the people in the group would be fine except Natsu and Gray, but somehow, when they were all together, things just happened. It wasn't even like they set out to destroy everything; this was just a natural consequence of their group working together.

Gray lived closer to Fairy Tail than Natsu did, but was on the exact opposite side of down by the sea. His house was the only one for a long way on each side, and it was just a very neat little one-story house made from gray bricks. The roof was dark-colored, and it had white shutters on the windows. The lawn was green and somewhat neatly kept, with a few bushes and stepping stones that suggested a responsible adult probably lived there.

"Well, there are no trees growing through the roof…" she mumbled.

Natsu approached her from behind. "Keh! You're right. This place sucks."

"It's so pretty from the outside you'd think a woman lives here. Gray has womanly hobbies," Happy noted.

Lucy shook her head. "Keeping the grass trimmed and not letting your house fall down or disappear into squalor isn't an example of 'womanly hobbies.' It's called not living like you were raised by animals."

"I was raised by an animal. I turned out fine," Natsu argued.

She shook her head and went down the stepping stones to the front door, then knocked on the door, which Gray answered in his underwear. "Hey Lucy."

He grabbed her by the arm and yanked her inside, which annoyed Lucy because being dragged was always unpleasant. She also knew Natsu would be irate about a half-naked man pulling her into his house, no matter what the circumstances were.

Once she was inside, Gray slammed the door, locked all the locks, and said, "I got Freed to cast a spell to protect the house and to keep Natsu from using his magic in or on the house. They can't even come in. So as long as we can keep Erza and Natsu out, the longer I will have a house to live in."

"Is Erza really that bad?"

"Erza by herself? No, of course not. It's Erza and Natsu together with us. It's like unison raid, except the bonus is that everything is destroyed."

Lucy looked around and found his dwellings didn't really surprise her very much. Gray had leather furniture, and a generally neat, simple little home – a place you'd expect a sane, reasonable single guy to live. "So this is where Loke lived before?"

Gray nodded. "Yeah. We got this place together. Good times."

She smiled and held up her keys. "Open, Gate of the Lion! Leo!"

Loke appeared in a flash of light and looked around before giving Lucy a smile and fist-bumping with Gray. "This brings back the memories."

"It's not the same without having all those girls around all the time," the ice mage said.

"What girls?" Lucy asked.

The celestial spirit gave her a sweet smile and put an arm around her shoulders. "Women that are nothing compared to you, Lucy. I'll show you my bedroom. Unless it's changed?"

Gray shook his head. "No, I didn't mess with anything. Anyway, I guess you can stay there, Lucy."

Loke guided her to one of the three doors that branched off from the little living room and kitchen area. The first was Gray's room, the second was the bathroom, and the third was Loke's old room.

When Lucy walked in and found an enormous heart-shaped bed with red silk sheets, she gave Loke a glare of disbelief. "Really, Loke? Really?"

Loke stretched out in the center of the bed and gave it a little pat. "To think that I would get you into my bed after all."

"H-How many women have slept in this bed?"

He nervously answered, "Don't ask those questions."

Lucy wondered if maybe she needed to find pajamas made from condoms just to feel safe in his bed. "I feel like I might get some kind of disease."

"Don't be silly, Lucy. Come into my arms!"

"How about no?" Lucy went over to the window and found that Gray's back yard was the shore, which made it a perfect place to play on the beach and tan. "Maybe this won't be so bad."

"What?"

"We kind of…a city was destroyed. It was all a big accident," she started, ignoring how Loke's eyes widened at the thought that they'd actually done it. "As punishment, Makarov said we all have to live together here with Gray."

Loke looked around his room and said, "Seeing my old home destroyed will be a little depressing. But you and Erza will probably be sleeping here together in my bed. That I wouldn't mind seeing…maybe I could get in the middle. Don't worry, Lucy: you'll always have my heart even if you invite another beautiful woman to my bed."

Maybe double-layered condom pajamas?

After she put her bag down, she decided to escape from Loke and found that not far from the door, there was a pair of boxers on the floor.

And Lucy just stood there and frowned at them, because she knew she was probably about to get some Full Frontal Gray. Now, it wasn't like she didn't appreciate Gray's appearance; he was an extremely attractive man.

It was just...well, when a man is running around naked with his flaccid penis wagging around everywhere, it's impossible not to look. _Impossible_.

There was banging on the door, and Natsu's voice, and Lucy neared the door, only to hear Gray's warning, "Don't let the monsters in."

She turned and found him standing in front of the stove completely naked with the exception of his necklace and bracelet. He turned to her and casually asked, "Do you like wieners, Lucy?"

Loke pinched the bridge of his nose in disapproval as Lucy just stood there and gaped awkwardly, probably unaware that Gray was making hot dogs. "Gray…speaking of 'wieners,' look down."

Gray screamed as if this was a complete surprise and nothing like this ever happened to him, and then asked, "What happened to my clothes?"

"The same thing that _always_ happens to your clothes," Lucy hissed. "AND DON'T ASK ME ABOUT WIENERS IF YOU'RE NAKED!"

The ice mage found his boxers and pulled them back on, and then as his cheeks reddened he said, "Now that's just immature, Lucy."

Natsu suddenly emerged from Gray's bedroom, having entered through the window, and said, "I smell wieners!"

"Wha…the runes…how…" Gray asked.

"About Freed…" Natsu fixed his beloved scarf, which had shifted out of place, "Erza beat him up. The no-magic runes are still there, but you can't keep us out. I feel like beating the crap out of you for making it hard for us."

Suddenly, Gray and Natsu were knocking heads in the middle of the room and when the banging on the door started again, Lucy opened it and let Erza in, surprised that she only had a few suitcases and a handful of long green hair.

And when the guys saw her, Natsu put an arm around Gray. "Getting along great as always."

Erza threw the hair at Gray's feet. "You better be. After having to battle Freed, I am in a very bad mood."

Lucy looked up to Happy. "This is off to a great start," she sarcastically whined.

"Aye, sir!"

_**Please Review!**_


	2. Lucy's Butt Floss

"I feel dirty," Erza whispered as she slid between the sheets of Loke's heart-shaped bed. "I suspect that if I had Natsu's sense of smell, this bed would be even more repulsive that it is already."

Lucy sighed and turned out the light by the bed. "Sometimes I wonder if Loke really slept with so many human women. You'd think there would be some kind of taboo to prevent that. But no. And thanks to that, I have a carnival of perverts available to defend me whenever I'm in trouble."

"I like the little white one."

"Plue? Plue is the best! And so snuggly!"

Erza suddenly felt something touch her foot and kicked towards the ceiling, sending the sheets and blanket upward with the bed intruder, a certain blue feline.

Happy landed on the bed and rubbed his head. "Oww…what was that for? You're mean, Erza."

"Why are you sneaking into our bed, Happy?"

"Because it's nicer in here with you guys. You smell better than Gray and Natsu. Besides, they're disagreeing over the sleep situation," the cat said.

Erza sighed and got out of bed. "Really, those two…"

Happy flew after her once she left the room to straighten out the men, and then turned and asked Lucy, "Wanna go watch Erza hit Natsu and Gray?"

"…" The blonde just glared at the cat for a second and then said, "You really are terrible, you evil little cat!"

"Aye, sir! Now c'mon or you're going to miss the good part!"

Lucy slid out of bed and followed the cat out the door and then to Gray's room.

"You can sleep on the floor! In the other room!" Gray insisted.

Natsu shouted, "I'll fight you for the bed!"

"It's _my _bed! I don't have to fight for something that is mine!"

The dragon slayer crossed his arms. "Why can't Happy and me just sleep with Lucy?"

"Because of reasons!" Lucy shrieked.

He pointed at her and replied, "We all know that's just what people say when there's no reason."

She fisted her hands and hissed, "I'll be unfit to be wed at this rate!"

Happy fluttered over next to her. "It's funny when you pretend to be all pure and stuff. Everyone here has seen your naughty underwear, Lucy!"

Erza asked, "I almost forgot! I meant to ask about the occasions that you wear such things too."

"I…I…."

"Eating, right?" Natsu asked.

Loke seemingly appeared out of nowhere with a fish and put an arm around Lucy's shoulders as he passed a gift onto Happy. "Lucy has lingerie? What a woman! She's far too great for uncivilized brutes like yourself to understand." And then, looking over to Happy he asked, "What kind?"

"Well, there was this one…I tried to put it on so I could figure it out, but I think it was just one string going up the crack all uncomfortable like. Me and Natsu have been calling it butt floss since then," Happy explained.

"How often do you talk about my underwear?"

Loke took out a handkerchief for his nosebleed and Gray stammered, "C-Cute…"

Natsu asked, "Are you stupid, Gray? How is that cute? Anyway, Lucy, do you really wear stuff like that? When we're in battles? Maybe you'd have an easier time if you had better underwear!"

"I concur with both Gray's opinion that thongs are cute and Natsu's thoughts that they may be impractical in battle!" Erza declared.

Lucy whined, "What is wrong with you people? And besides that, Erza, your armor is so skimpy it can barely be called armor! That Heaven's Wheel Armor just sort of has that little metal part that covers in between your legs. You're the queen of battle indecency!"

Erza gave her one glare and she added, "I meant, 'Happy thinks you're the queen of battle indecency!'"

The cat's eyes widened in fear. "Lucy lies, Erza! She's just jealous she doesn't have an excuse to wear skimpier outfits! She likes all the attention!" Since Lucy put Erza's anger on him, he was eager to pass it on, and since Loke had just given him a fish and Natsu was his partner, the unlucky soul became Gray. "It's all because Gray said he used to think Lucy was the prettiest girl on the team, but lately he thinks it could be Erza!"

Gray lost his breath and – briefly – his will to live. "H-Happy…you traitor. What have you done?"

Natsu took a step back and decided that in the interest of making Gray miserable, he'd play right along. He actually had no idea what was going on, but his little feline friend was like the King of Trolls. "Happy is right."

Erza gave it a little thought and said, "This is merely another competition – a battle to be won." So she turned and pointed at Lucy. "I challenge you, Lucy!"

"This is really getting out of hand! Maybe we could just sit down and talk this through like rational adults, right? You guys know how to do that," the blonde begged, knowing that asking Natsu and Gray to engage in anything rational was like asking them about astrophysics.

Loke said, "You're right, Erza. You and Lucy should just have a competition to prove which of you is lovelier. Let us guys judge you. I may be Lucy's spirit, but I'll vote fairly."

The red-head pointed at Lucy. "As you wish, Lucy. We'll settle this tonight. We'll have one hour to get ready. We can each use one room and have two changes. And the panelists can wait in the living room."

Lucy sighed as everyone was thrown out of Gray's room and then went to their room to get her stuff. She really had no idea what was going on other than they were having a beauty contest in the middle of the night and the worst possible people were judging.

She threw open the door and exclaimed, "This isn't fair, Erza! Everyone will vote for you because…" '_because they're scared of your wrath_?' Since Lucy was also scared of Erza's wrath, she couldn't actually say this to her. On the other hand, she didn't want to be unanimously defeated because Erza was such a fierce woman. That said, if it was fair, she was actually confident about her chances.

Gemini told her once that Gray thought she was cute and that he was somewhat interested in her, so at the very least, he found her a little attractive.

Natsu was more awkward about it, but he'd tried to use her beauty as a weapon before and seemed confident at that time that she'd be able to seduce someone. Plus, he was the one that told her to enter Fairy Tail's beauty contest.

Loke obviously felt she was attractive also and she didn't even need to think very hard about why.

But, was it enough to overcome Scary Erza Factor? Besides, that, Erza _was_ disgustingly gorgeous even if she wasn't scary. Lucy sighed and reached for her keys.

She summoned Cancer and sat on the edge of Gray's bed. "Cancer, I'm in a real fix and I need you to help me."

The crab spirit snipped his scissors in the air. "Anything for you, Ebi."

"I'm going to be in a beauty contest and I have to win. So could I ask for your unbiased opinion? You know Erza, right? The redhead on our team? Do you think she's more beautiful than me?"

_Silence._

Lucy screamed and said, "You're so mean to me! Help me win anyway! You can make me look super cute, so please!"

"I didn't say anything, Ebi. In a beauty contest, you versus the lovely Titania…it comes down to personality."

"What does that mean?"

Cancer dragged a coral comb through her hair and commented, "Don't take this the wrong way, Ebi, but men like a certain kind of woman. It's not all about looks. I would say…be less of a loudmouth. No offense, Ebi."

The men waiting in the living room heard Lucy shout, "SINCE WHEN AM I A LOUDMOUTH?"

"Oblivious Lucy is oblivious." Happy sniggered behind his hand. "This is the best, ever!"

Natsu and Gray glared at the cat and Natsu asked, "How is this the best ever? One of them is going to be angry."

Happy answered, "We'll have events and make them entertain us, but in the end, when we vote, we make it a tie! We'll say…the votes are anonymous, and then we'll vote two and two and that way, no one will be yelling or bruised. It's perfect."

"You don't understand the ego of a woman at all, Happy. In the end, if they tie, they will _both_ be angry. Thankfully for me, regardless of how this turns out, I can just escape to an entirely different realm and leave you three with the consequences," Loke explained.

The cat shrugged. "Or that!"

Gray crossed his arms as he sat there on the sofa in his underwear. "Does anyone else ever sometimes think that there is something seriously wrong with Happy? Everyone thinks he's a cute little cat at first, but I think deep down, Happy is twisted and sick. A merciless sadist who likes to watch us all suffer."

Happy nibbled on his fish, made a cute face, and asked, "Meow?"

Natsu said, "I have a plan. We should run away. Like, just get up and leave and not come back until morning."

But just as they were plotting their escape, Erza emerged from Loke's room in a teeny, tiny bikini, her long hair down. "I am prepared for this battle," she stated, "Lucy! It is time!"

The men didn't look, preferring to stare straight ahead at the wall on the opposite side of the room, postponing their participation in the Beauty Contest of Doom for as long as possible.

Lucy came out in some of that lingerie Loke had been trying to imagine, although centimeter-by-centimeter, she had more skin covered than Erza did. Her hair was in big curls and she had dark shadow on around her eyes.

"Hey boys," she cooed.

"L-L…" Natsu tried to say her name but couldn't, and Erza responded by sitting down on the sofa right between Natsu and Loke.

His teenage boy instincts told him _stare at her breasts_, and also _look at Lucy's ass_ at the exact same time, and trying to resist both in order to avoid blowback, he flopped forward onto the floor. "Save me, Happy!"

Lucy saw Gray's attention was on Erza and stood in front of him, turning so he could see her lace-clad backside.

"Gray, you're into butts more than boobs, right?" she asked, bringing a finger to her lips.

"If it's down to derrieres, I win by default," Erza declared wagging her own next to Lucy's. "Hers is big and awkwardly bulbous."

And suddenly, it was raining very, very hard.

Loke said, "How weird. The stars were out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky only a few minutes ago."

Lucy cringed. "That's not that weird at all! Here we are putting our butts in Gray's face! Juvia must have heard we were all staying together! And become overly suspicions that we'd try to seduce him or something!"

Natsu asked, "Seduce is the thing where you take off almost all your clothes and try to impress a guy, right?"

"It's not like that! Anyway, Gray, it's your house, so you have to answer the door!"

There was a knock on the door, and Gray emerged from his two-hot-asses-in-my-face stupor to trudge across the living room.

He unlocked it and opened it to find Juvia had taken off all over her clothes except a modest set of bra and panties.

"Juvia will play this game also, Gray-sama!"

"J-J…"

The ice mage was happy that the runes blocked magic in the house, so Juvia couldn't use magic on either of the other women who she felt were 'seducing' Gray even though his opinion on them was only worth the value of defeating the other.

The three scantily-clad women were soon all yelling at each other when Loke got up and went into his bedroom, returning with arms filled with pillows. "Ladies, ladies…instead of yelling about your frustrations, you can work through your anger with a harmless pillow fight. Doesn't that sound better?"

Erza just wanted to hit someone at this point so she snatched a pillow and smacked Lucy with it. "It's your fault for challenging me!"

Gray went back to the couch and sat down with Loke and Natsu to watch this wondrous event that involved the three best-looking women in Fairy Tail stripped down to near-nudity and having a pillow fight right in front of them.

Natsu scratched the side of his head and asked, "Is it weird that I enjoy watching this? It gets me all fired up for some reason!"

Happy frowned. "Oblivious Natsu is oblivious."

_**Please Review!**_

_**Special thanks to fivecentimeterspersecond, Lilyrose98, satomika, petiteshima, Beczy, duskbird, Chloeandderek, Kishin rei, BbbStrwbrry, xxxTwilight-sinXxx, WONDERBANGX3, Catwho, aStRalBlaSt, mimiie, Lyssalaa, Sin of the fallen, Elemental Dragon Slayer, and lildragongurl for reviewing!**_


	3. Mustache

In the end, the girls ended up sleeping cuddled up together on the couch after they turned their aggression on the boys, prompting Loke to vanish while Happy pretended to be little more than an innocent little kitty.

So, blood was spilled on day one, some from nosebleeds caused by the joy of beauty and other nosebleeds caused by those beauties punishing them for the lascivious game they'd taken part in. All in all, Gray and Natsu were sure it was worth the pain to see both the wonder of bouncing boobs and how cute and harmless they all looked sleeping together the next morning under a blanket Gray put over them after they spent the better part of the night talking.

Natsu miraculously rose from his sleep in Loke's bed at a relatively early hour and after a trip to the bathroom, found Gray standing in the living room in the nude, watching the girls sleep.

"What the hell are you doing?" Natsu asked.

Gray sat on the coffee table and said, "The girls are really amazing, you know."

Natsu was less concerned about how awesome the girls were and more concerned about the fact that he'd eaten a piece of popcorn that fell on said table, forcing him to realize that Gray's bare ass had probably touched _everything_ in the house.

"Really," Gray added, "Think about it. I think this kind of life is harder for women because pretty girls are supposed to get married and do all that. Juvia, Erza, and Lucy are doing what they want in spite of that."

Not one for heart-to-heart conversations early in the morning or with Gray, the dragon slayer said, "You really are such a creep. Most people would think you were a real sick bastard if they could see you standing there with your junk out watching a bunch of girls sleep."

Gray looked down and squealed like a girl, which caused the girls to awaken at near eye-level with Gray's flaccid penis. Lucy screamed, Juvia blushed, and Erza…well, Gray's penis was not what she wanted to see first thing in the morning.

She chased him into the kitchen and grabbed a knife from the block. "If I ever see that when I wake up again, I'm going to cut it off!"

The ice mage covered himself with his hands and felt his legs buckle. Erza had beaten him many times for his habits, which were admittedly worse at home, but she'd never threatened him with castration before.

Erza sat down at the table in her bikini and Juvia dragged her feet as she and Lucy followed suit with the blanket wrapped around her body. "Coffeeeee…" Erza whined.

"Juvia is hungry," the water mage added.

Lucy mumbled something that was unintelligible but indicated she desired both coffee and food.

Gray put his boxers back on, started the coffee and sat at the table with them. "What do you guys want to eat? We could go to the guild. Or try to make something. Or go out. Mirajane stocked us up on groceries."

Happy exclaimed, "I know! We'll make Happycakes!"

Natsu suddenly became excited. "Happy! That's the best idea ever! But…no one else has ever eaten Happycakes before. They might not like them. Girls are picky."

"The idea of you cooking is absurd, and Happycakes just sound gross," Lucy grumbled.

Natsu accepted this as a challenge and descended upon Gray's kitchen with his trusted feline. Natsu and Happy cooking was just as noisy, messy, and insane as any of them would assume, but soon the smells of cooking filled the house and Gray served the women coffee while he reveled in the fact that they were all still half-naked and didn't seem to care.

Gray sipped at his coffee and announced, "We've no survived almost nineteen hours of being roommates and my house is still standing. I am impressed."

Lucy looked past him to Natsu, who had a batter-covered ladle in one hand and a spatula in the other, and there was a mist of flour in the air around him as he and Happy talked excitedly about 'Happycakes.' As someone who knew Natsu would eat literally anything and had a long track record of eating non-food items and even things that were clearly dangerous, Lucy was a little apprehensive, but suddenly, a plate was thrust in her face.

There was a cat-shaped stack of pancakes with two eyeball-esque eggs and a bacon smile.

Lucy stared down at her food, and then up at Natsu. "Since when can you cook?"

"Lisanna taught me. Taste it already!" he said, leaning over her in such a way that suggested her approval of his cooking was very important to him.

"I just need a fork or something…" her eyes wandered around as she prepared to give stellar reviews to Natsu's awful cooking in order to avoid hurting his feelings.

Natsu started ripping open the drawers in the kitchen that he hadn't already yanked out and spilled all over the floor while Gray pretended he was on a deserted island somewhere and his rival wasn't making a huge mess in his house.

"As Elfman says, real men eat with their hands!" Natsu said.

"I'm not a man, and I don't think he ever said that."

Gray made her a fork from ice and Lucy said, "That's cold!"

Erza grabbed the frozen fork when Lucy rejected it and stabbed through the Happycakes to take a big bite.

She deadpanned, and for a few seconds, everyone waited in anticipation.

Erza announced, "Natsu can cook? Since when? How did this happen?"

Natsu's huge smile suddenly appeared and he gave Happy a high-five. "All right!"

Lucy couldn't remember when things had ever been so relaxed between the members in their group except after battles when nobody had any energy to move, much less fight. The girls were groggy and feeling a lot of camaraderie after the prior night, which ended up several hours of talking about everything while Gray sat back with his coffee and ignored Natsu's shenanigans.

And Natsu…Natsu was taking care of his friends. He was actually cute enough about cooking that even Erza had to smile a bit when no one was looking. That said, he really couldn't help himself, so the Happycake he made for Gray had a frown and gouged-out egg eyes.

After Natsu sat down at the table, Virgo came through the gate on her own, and after giving the messy chef a look of serious consternation, zipped through the kitchen and washed all the dishes, put everything away, and then started on giving the rest of the house a good cleaning.

Gray was finishing up his meal when he noticed that Lucy and Juvia were whispering and looking at him, and he'd spent enough time around teenage girls to know that this was a sign of impending doom. "…what is it?" he asked.

"It's_ your face_," Lucy said.

"I'm sorry? My face? Is there something wrong with it?"

Juvia raised a hand to her mouth. "It's furry…"

The ice mage ran a hand over his stubble-covered chin. "Ah, right. I didn't shave yesterday or today."

"Shaving? Since when?" Natsu asked, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious that he had no face-fur to shave.

"A couple of years already. It's not that big of a deal. Honestly, it's kind of a pain."

Happy exclaimed, "Grow a mustache! A big fat one that's really long that you can curl up on the ends!"

Gray gave the cat a look of disbelief. "Thankfully, most of the people who have opinions like that aren't old enough to grow facial hair."

"I want a mustache," Natsu exclaimed as he slammed his fist onto the table. "Tell me how!"

"Growing facial hair isn't a trick or a magic skill. It just happens. It's actually kind of weird that you don't have any," Gray commented, rubbing his stubble and his success as a normal adult male in Natsu's smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom face.

Natsu angrily said, "I challenge you! We will grow mustaches!"

Erza narrowed her eyes. "You would both look like complete idiots like that. Unless you want me to use a very big sword to shave you while you sleep, I suggest you both forget the idea. Especially you, Natsu. Your hair is pink. No one would ever be able to take you seriously."

Lucy asked, "Besides, if you can't grow facial hair, you'll lose if you challenge Gray to a mustache-growing war."

"I'll beat that ice-pervert!"

"Oh? You want to fight, flame-brain?"

"I want a mustache!"

"That has nothing to do with me!"

Natsu decided that he would simply force his body to grow a mustache just to prove Gray wrong and, after stomping into the living room, sat down on the floor facing a window and took up a distinctively un-Natsu-like pose. Seemingly meditative, he soon started to growl as he visualized thick pink hair suddenly sprouting from his upper lip.

Gray and the others just stared at him from the table. "Really…that guy."

"Can I touch it?" Lucy curiously asked.

"No!" Juvia exclaimed before she stopped herself, covering her mouth quickly. "Only Juvia should be able to touch Gray's stubble!"

The ice mage was equal parts amused and disturbed with how interested the girls were in his stubble, including Erza, although she was doing a better job of pretending that she wasn't. "Touch it? Sure, I guess. It's just hair."

Suddenly, Juvia was leaning in close, running her fingertips along his chin and jaw. "Gray's face is prickly! Like a cactus!"

For some reason, he found this a little embarrassing, so he excused himself from the table, and ignored Natsu, who was by then flailing around in the living room and growling about his true desire to have a mustache.

His face was covered in shaving soap and half-shaven when he heard Lucy scream, and more on instinct than anything else, he rushed out of the bathroom and found that the cause of her horror made him cringe too.

"Natsu?"

The fire dragon slayer had somehow willed his body to grow a thick, ungroomed, bizarre-looking pink mustache over the course of only a couple of minutes. There was a little hair elsewhere, but he'd somehow miraculously convinced the face on his hair to grow at will.

"Natsu! Get rid of that thing right now!" Erza exclaimed.

Lucy covered her mouth. "Natsu, really. It looks like someone killed a rat, dyed it pink, and then stapled it to your face."

Instead, Natsu groaned with exertion and it started growing again.

"Natsu, that's disgusting! Stop it! I don't even…" the blonde didn't even know what to say to the fact that Natsu was such a stubborn oaf that he could tell his own body to grow facial hair just to beat Gray at something.

The dragon slayer crossed his arms and let out an evil laugh. "Unlike the underwear shogun, I'm not going to be a wuss and get rid of it either!"

"You're so awesome now, Natsu! Now all you have to do is get some hair gel and curl it up on the sides!" Happy exclaimed.

Natsu gave Happy a high-five, and then passed Gray and slammed the door to the bathroom in search of whatever Gray used to make his hair stand up all over the place.

The ice mage went over to the kitchen sink and continued the task of shaving, which the girls watched with fascination. "Is it really that interesting?"

Juvia answered, "Everything Gray does is interesting!"

"I'm more amazed that you haven't punched Natsu out by now, to be honest," Erza admitted.

"I'm saving it up. I'll beat him senseless once we're at the guild."

After he was done, he rinsed his face and splashed it with cold water, then proceeded to rub it with both hands to check if he'd missed any spots.

"Can Juvia feel now?"

"If you want. It's just my face though. Really, you girls are bizarrely fascinated with this."

He felt the pads of her fingers slide over his smooth face just before she squealed, "Soft!"

More growling sounds and the cheering of a cat were heard coming from the bathroom and Gray's brow twitched. "I don't even want to know what they're doing in there." He really hoped that wasn't the noise Natsu made while using the toilet, because if so, it was going to be an awkward three months.

Everyone else got dressed and prepared to start their day somewhat normally while Natsu hogged the bathroom.

There was a knock at the door and Gray went to go answer it, only to find Lisanna standing there. "Hey, Lisanna! Do you want to come in? I think there's still leftover breakfast and coffee."

"Actually, I'm supposed to go on a job with Juvia today and she didn't meet me at the guild when we planned on it. I thought…" _'maybe she heard two women were sleeping in your house and went crazy?'_

Gray gave her a subtle, knowing smile that said, _'why yes, that's exactly what happened, but it wasn't bad at all._' "I think Juvia is just getting dressed now. She ended up staying over here last night. Good times…"

"Do those good times have anything to do with your fat lip? You and Natsu weren't fighting, were you?" Lisanna asked.

"Erza."

"Oh, I see," she kindly answered although she meant, _'if Erza did it, you deserved it and I'm not going to feel sorry for you.'_ "Hope it doesn't hurt too much."

Another groaning, gruntish, distinctly Natsu-esque sound came from the bathroom and Lisanna cringed. "What's he doing in there?"

Happy's voice came next. "You can do it, Natsu! Just a little more! Try harder! It's so big and long!"

Natsu heard Lisanna's voice and shouted through the door. "Lisanna! I'm almost done. You have to see it!"

Without context, this statement was horribly offensive to Lisanna's sensibilities. "Natsu! I don't want to see anything big that you made in the bathroom. Period! If you act like a pig, a girl will never like you!"

Juvia came out of Loke's room wearing an outfit of Lucy's. "Lisanna! I apologize! Juvia was distracted by Gray's unique wake-up call, and then Gray's coffee, and then Gray's stubble, and then Gray shaving! It was very distracting!"

Lisanna smiled. "No problem. Wait…Gray shaves? Since when?"

It took Juvia five whole minutes to explain how manly and awesome Gray was, comparing his stubbly face to a prickly love cactus and all sorts of other irrelevant details. Apparently, his freshly-shaven face was as smooth as her freshly-shaven legs.

Actually, that piece of information was worth it.

He rubbed his face, and then looked at Juvia's legs and used the special powers he gained by achieving puberty to connect his mind and sense of touch in order to facilitate dirty thoughts. _Glory_.

Natsu suddenly burst from the bathroom full-speed, having grown his appalling mustache until it stuck out almost twenty centimeters on each side. It was curled into little spirals on the end using hair gel, and since using so much gel made it appear wet, it just looked…

"Look, Lisanna! I have a mustache!"

Lisanna covered her face with her hands. "N-Natsu…you look so s-stupid." And then she burst out laughing. As she held her sides, she giggled so hard Lucy thought she was about to fall on the floor. "Y-You c-can't…your hair is pink!"

Lucy responded more or less the same way, and Juvia just glared at him as if he was the one with mental problems.

Erza pointed and ordered, "Remove that thing from your face at once!"

Natsu was actually pretty pleased that he'd horrified all the girls with his new facial hair. "I don't have to listen to you, Erza! I have a mustache!"

"Yo, Natsu, I've had facial hair for two years and it's never once protected me from Erza's wrath. You might want to rethink that logic," Gray commented.

"It hates you because you shave it off!"

Happy frowned. "I want a little kittystache."

Erza reequipped so she had a sword in each hand. "I will ask one more time, Natsu. Shave that thing off your face."

"Or what? You'll hold me down and—"

"Don't move, Natsu!" Fairy Tail's Titania moved so fast Natsu barely felt it until she was already behind him. Two fragments of his gel-encrusted mustache fell to the floor, leaving two small cuts on each side of Natsu's face.

She ex-quipped the blades and asked, "Natsu, if I ever see hair on your face again, I won't be so gentle when I remove it. Think about Fairy Tail's reputation when you decide you want to look like a fool."

_**Please Review!**_

_**Special thanks to Chrys Stone, Miki Boy, duskbird, Bareerah123, keke1208, WONDERBANGx3, Mariaa, LaynaPanda, Elemental Dragon Slayer, Sin of the Fallen, 61 wisampa, Senbei x Cup Ramen, Derrick, With a tardis and a portal gun, Dattebayo Devon, Kishin rei, thunder-fiend, Catwho, satomika, Beczy, paiialuna, and Lyssalaa for reviewing!**_

_AN: This isn't a 'pairing' fic at all. There are going to be moments, but this story is basically just meant to be funny and that's all. _


	4. The Job I

Everyone dressed? Check.

House acceptably clean? Check.

Oven and iron off, faucets off, and lights turned out? Check.

The four of them stood on the steps in front of Gray's house while the owner locked the door and said, "We officially survived twenty-four hours as roommates. The house is still standing, nothing has been destroyed, and no one died. I feel this is quite an accomplishment for us."

Lucy sighed at her team, the members of which were as pleased as imaginable that they'd managed to go one whole day together without collateral damage or excessive violence. The ice mage was oddly reticent, although Natsu seemed pretty pleased with himself.

They walked to the guild, and the instant the door closed behind them, Natsu and Gray took one look at each other, and then started the slug-fest they'd been holding off on in order to avoid damaging the place where they were supposed to be living.

Makarov saw the error of his punishment then. Gray and Natsu were evidently capable of saving their rage and destruction for the guild, and since the Council wasn't going to complain about Natsu and Gray destroying the guild, what they were doing was well within the rules.

He looked to Erza to stop them, but she stuck her nose up in the air and looked away as if to say, _'You brought this on yourself, Master.'_

Besides, Erza would rather they let their rage out in the guild than on their job or at home.

And the guild master narrowed his eyes and finished his mug of beer. He looked up to Mirajane and said, "I wasn't going to do that to them, but I think they haven't learned their lesson yet."

Mira covered her mouth. "That job? But they'll be sure to break things and cause property damage. Plus…that job…Master, it's cruel. This might be one job they can't do."

"Even Erza has turned against me, so, I have no choice. There's no chance a battle will be required, so there's no reason those numskull boys will need to get into a fight," Makarov replied as he waited for Gray and Natsu to finish what seemed like the millionth stalemate brawl.

When it was over, Gray was shirtless, both were making growling noises and yelling childish insults, and Lucy and Erza were sitting with Cana talking about swimsuit season like it was no big deal.

The guild master tapped his staff on the bar and called the group over, and as Natsu and Gray continued making animal sounds at each other while Happy sat on the floor not far from them tying Jet's shoelaces together, he explained, "We got a very special job request earlier, one I don't think I would entrust even to Laxus. Laxus would…"

Makarov imagined the corpses that would be left behind and shook his head. "That would never work. I'm not sure if I could do that to my own kin anyway."

"There's something you won't do to your own kin, but you'll do it to us?" Natsu seemed confused by this statement, and then added, "I don't know what that means, but I think I might be offended!"

Gray's eyebrow twitched. "You are such an idiot, flame brain!"

They were about to go at it again when Makarov said, "The pay is four million jewels for one week of work, but the job requires all four of you. If you can't play along nicely, then I guess I'll have to give it to someone else. Good pay, no danger – all you have to do is behave and do some very basic tasks like housekeeping, cooking and serving food and drinks, and greeting guests and you'll make all that money. They'll even let you to stay in their mansion and you can eat as much food as you want."

Lucy grabbed Natsu by the scarf. "This job is perfect! I'm a former high-society girl! I know everything about being a proper host and caring for guests! And my share will pay my rent for _eleven _months. We're doing this!"

"Happy, how much food money is that?" Natsu asked.

Happy drooled as if his brain had short circuited when he tried to convert one person's share of the reward into fish. For some reason, Happy was only capable of calculating money in terms of how many kilograms of salmon he could buy with it, which was actually a complex calculation involving the ever-fluctuating fishing industry, the consumer price index, and the availability of salmon in Magnolia. Truthfully, he was fantastic at math, but he only did his 'fish math,' so thanks to that, Natsu viewed all prices in terms of 'how many fishes is that?'

"It's all the fishes…" the cat mumbled.

Gray said, "I could use the money just in case you guys actually do destroy my home."

"I want Love Princess Armor," Erza added.

No one was going to question the redhead's desires, although it was an open secret in the guild that Erza had around a hundred different suits of armor with her at any given time and that only around a dozen were useful in battle. The others were things like bathing suits, dresses, costumes, and other absurd things. The fact that she needed to carry so much luggage on top of this was actually kind of disturbing.

Makarov said, "I'm trusting you with this job, but if you fail it or attack any of the clients, I'll double your punishment time. If you're able to get through it and the client is pleased, I'll take thirty days off your punishment."

Once the group excitedly left to pack and go on their job, Mirajane commented, "Master, don't you think that was kind of mean?"

XXX

_**Several Hours Later…**_

They stood outside the villa of Master Bob, Blue Pegasus guild master, and Lucy looked over her shoulder to toe forest where they'd fought the magical monster Nirvana.

Music, magic four-wheelers, carts, and decorations all suggested there was a party or some other festive event going on inside of the villa, and the blonde said, "Is it wrong that I'm hoping we've been called here because Nirvana somehow revived?"

"I don't think we'll be that lucky," Natsu gravely said as he attempted to hide in his scarf. "Gray, he's here. I can smell him."

Suddenly, Gray and Natsu were clinging to each other fearfully. "That guy? We have to stay here with him for a whole week? I have to sleep sometime!" the ice mage fearfully stammered.

"We can take turns. One of us can sleep while the other one keeps watch! That way, he won't be able to sneak in and do things to us while we're sleeping!" Natsu replied.

Happy wrapped himself up like a mummy in the scarf and nearly choked his partner. "What if he likes cats?"

Lucy looked over at them and found two fierce, normally-fearless mages and an Exceed shaking fearfully and clinging to one another. "I'm afraid to ask, but what are you idiots going on about now?"

"M-Master Bob," Natsu replied.

Erza clonked them both on the head. "We can do this. All we have to do is go one week without hitting anyone or breaking anything, no matter what happens. If we fail, we'll all be stuck living together for _six months_. Three already seems like hell. If we can get through, we'll be free in less than two."

The fierce Titania's confidence that they could get away without violence melted when a short, stout man came running through the villa doors. "That perfume! My ERZA!"

He was followed by Hibiki, who gave Lucy a warm sweet smile and gracefully crossed the lawn. The mage got down on one knee in front of her while Ichiya sniffed Erza's neck and took Lucy's hand. "Lucy, to what do I owe the great honor of your presence?" Hibiki kissed her hand and looked up into her eyes, "It seems like you've become even more beautiful since the last time we met."

"I…" Lucy blushed as she thought, _'…want to hit you so hard you choke on your own heart.'_ But their job was taking care of the guests – Master Bob's guests – and this included Hibiki. She wanted that money and she wanted to go back to her apartment, and for that, she'd tolerate him. "Well, just very busy, that's all."

At that moment, Master Bob came bounding down the stairs in an outfit that made Happy sing, _'Who wears short shorts? Master Bob wears short shorts!'_ in his mind as he cringed fearfully behind Natsu.

The guild master raised a pink to his mouth. "Oh, you've arrived! It's so good to see you all again, especially you boys. My, how you've grown into eye candy. I can never which I like better: the pretty, cold ice mage or the ruggedly sexy, passionate fire mage! Maybe both at the same time?" He wrapped his arms around Natsu and Gray and rubbed his stubble. "Makarov really has the sweetest young lovelies under his wing. I'm so jealous!"

Hearing someone refer to Gray and Natsu as the 'sweet young lovelies' tore a giggle from Lucy's lips, and the guys stared at her as if she'd betrayed them.

To avenge her mockery, Gray said, "You know, Hibiki, Lucy talks about you a lot. I think she's really missed you so much. I'm glad you guys are getting to spend some time together."

Lucy gasped and pointed. "Well…what about you and Lyon? Juvia told me that you love Lyon, but you never go visit him."

"Oh? So you are interested in other men? Today's my lucky day!" Bob all but squealed.

The ice mage felt this intense pressure inside of him, as if he was simply going to explode at any minute and the force would destroy everything around him. He reached for the hem of his shirt and felt it go flying over his head.

And Bob gave his bare chest a good look over that left Gray feeling violated. Gray knew that some people responded to his stripping in this manner, but most of them were shy or embarrassed. Bob was neither. He was shameless, and Gray scrambled for his clothes.

"This retreat is going to be so much fun!" Master Bob exclaimed. "I planned it to reward the Trimens and Ichiya for all their hard work. For Ichiya, I invited Erza, and Lucy for the Trimens, and Gray and Natsu…you're my little gift for myself."

For once, Happy was incredibly relieved that someone had forgotten he was there.

Thus the enormity of their task was laid out before them:

They had to clean, cook, and serve the needs of the famed perverts of Blue Pegasus for one week. That meant one week of Lucy being propositioned by three men at the same time, one week of Ichiya talking about Erza's smells, and one week of Master Bob making blatant passes and hugging Natsu and Gray.

If they failed their task, they'd all have to live together for twice as long, they'd be charged for the villa they'd surely destroy, and they wouldn't get paid. In other words, they could lose millions and have a longer punishment or make millions and have a shorter punishment.

Lucy, the eternal source of bad ideas, said, "Time out!"

"Huh?" Hibiki said

"Uhhh…"

Lucy exclaimed, "I'm sorry Hibiki, but I'm taken! Everyone here is taken! We all have relationships! Right, Gray?" She was attempting to reassure Gray, who had become entangled in his own shirt.

Apparently, he wasn't half as good at putting his clothes on as he was at taking them off.

Unfortunately, Gray went a little too far and in that moment, Lucy seemed like a savior to him. "That's right! I'm with Lucy! Lucy is my girlfriend and she doesn't want me to be touched by anyone else, isn't that right?"

"R-right!" Lucy said, even though in her mind, she was holding his head in her hand and watching blood shoot from his decapitated body. "My boyfriend is Gray!"

And Natsu, eager to jump on the idiot bandwagon with his friend, pointed at Erza, as his thought process didn't allow him to remember that there were other women in the world. "Erza! Erza is my girlfriend!"

The glare Erza gave him caused his testicles to shrink up inside of his body in utter fear.

Then Erza realized that maybe she could use this. "You're useless. Just standing there like an idiot while another man smells me. I am going to dump you and find a man that isn't _so incredibly stupid_ that all I think about is all the different ways that I want to kill him. If I dump you, you'll be free and on the rebound, right, Master Bob? I'm sure you'll comfort Natsu if that happens."

Natsu's jaw dropped and he pointed at Ichiya. "Stop sniffing my woman! It's rude! If you're sniffing my woman, that's a violation of like…what's the word? I forget."

"Manners," Happy whispered from his hiding place.

The lascivious advances all came to an end and Hibiki, Master Bob, and Ichiya withdrew.

"How disappointing," Hibiki said, vowing he would try to steal Lucy away from Gray.

Master Bob shrugged. "We're all very happy for you. Come along. We might as well get you started."

_**Please Review!**_

_**Special thanks to blueey, UsuiXMisakilover, blackangelsky, Akarui Nightshade, fivecentimeterspersecond, aStRalBlaSt, Buffy McCracken, Kishin rei, xLsierrax, kiss-me-g'night, Elemental Dragon Slayer, nejihyugahinata, Aryndiel, Chrys Stone, Derrick, quillop, Sin of the Fallen, Chloeandderek, Selaphia, Catwho, satomika, Beczy, WONDERBANGx3, ShiningStellar, Bareerah123, LaynaPanda, Miki Boy, mariaa, and Dattebayo Devon for reviewing! I really appreciate it!**_

_AN: As I said before, this isn't a pairings fic, so don't read too much into pretending to be boyfriends and girlfriends._


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